Who’s World-Cup is it anyway?

** Who’s World-Cup is it anyway? ** Monday 14th June
Mobile: +971 502 899 395 (UK Mobile: +44 7770 694 494)

It sometimes takes an immovable object to block an unstoppable force.

My recent gallivanting around the globe was felled by a rather nasty, not-to-mention-excruciatingly-painful (not that I’m looking for any sympathy of course) wound that will suffice in its description as simply making the finding of a comfortable seating position nigh on impossible – come to think of it, just being able to sit would be a good start!

And so it is, that after a near a 4-mth silence, a slicing review of current affairs and cynicism on future development seems ripe for a return. How have you all survived not knowing anything about crucial daily geopolitical matters?..such as the latest Gold/Oil/$£/Global market prices, Abu Dhabi/Dubai melodramas, Berlusconi’s dastardly love-affairs, whether or not the Baltic Dry Index really has any baring whatsoever on global trading levels and when exactly is it again that the Chinese will rule the world?, not to mention healthy and heartening servings of humour-infused observations. No, I’m not talking about the online version of the Sun.co.uk (still free for now, pheww, unlike the move by ‘The Times’), but the satisfaction that originates only from informed-free-and-open discussion of those matters that count.

With all that has happened in the interim of the last piece and today’s wonderful orgy-like-ambience-of-daily-world-cup-matches, one can be excused for skipping over the immense amount of tantalising material out there: UK coalition governments doomed to fail, Greek kebab-busting-debts seemingly capable of dooming the Euro alongside with it, sinking of Korean ships at the hands of the ‘it-wasn’t-me-North-Koreans’, peaceful Thai protesters beaten into submission, violent earthquakes ravaging Latin American lands, 3D TV all of a sudden becoming a must-have all because of some blue characters running around a colourful 3D-World (unfortunately my prediction did not win the best-film Oscar as predicted in the end-of-year piece), US and global markets finally realising that you can fool some of the people all of the time but only buy-all-of-the-people-and-keep-global-markets-rising-with-huge-amounts-of-government-spending-and-ridiculously-low-interest-rates for only, well...oh..about a year.

Yep, March 2009 to March 2010 was good fun guys and gals, but reality can be a real stinker. Performance of global markets since March 2010? Everyone out there will know just how bad it’s been since we last inspected the health of global returns. And how can justice be served for not mentioning anything about the theatre surrounding Apple and the runaway success of the iPad (no, this isn’t being written on one - can’t seem to get the hang of the touch-screen and lack of ‘old-fashioned’ keyboard-feedback) or more entertainingly the saga of the ‘stolen’ iPhone..or the failing iPhone at its new launch – seriously though, why is the world so impressed with two-way video calling when it was available over 5-years ago on any number of Nokia’s?? Incredible branding/marketing/design/stupidity/near-religious-followers, that’s why.

With so much already written in the elapsed time of our last communiqué (that’s what travel will do to you, broadens the vocabulaire), why even bother pointing out the oil-spill of environmental-disaster-proportions that has strained US/UK relations (Obama still the man, but going a little too far in pandering to public outrage against BP when it was in fact an outsourced-to US-owned firm that suffered the tragic accident in the first-place). Indeed, some suspect a coating of aforementioned gulf-coast-oil on the very same football that brought-about the horrendous fumble of an easy-save from the England goalkeeper in the recent world-cup match against the US

Speaking of near-religious followers, the World-Cup is of course amongst us – just in case you had not noticed since you were living in some remote lost-tribal village alongside the Iguacu falls....or a woman. Oooohhhh..that must have incensed quite a few out there. But come on. The truth is there are many of the female variety out there who abruptly transform into die-hard football fans every four years without ever acknowledging the rules of the game, or even brandishing themselves with the very basic knowledge of historic rivalries, individual talents or the offside-rule (the what? Yeah exactly...just please don’t ask me please to explain). Male football fans are quite similar all-around the world. Female fans, despite great appreciation for the efforts made to fit into tightly-hugging football shirts and shorts (especially the eye-catchingly awesome yellow of Brazil, and the mysteriously shapely blue of Argentina) certainly are not all the same.

Currently residing in the Middle East - despite having spent little time here in the last few months - and most recently having travelled to the most feminine-ruled of cities in the world (Beirut for the unfamiliar), an number of telling observations of the female football ‘fan’ have been made. First, there is no such thing as a true Middle-Eastern world-cup fan. Man or woman. This of course arises from the fact that there is very seldom a Middle Eastern football team in the competition (unless you really want to count Algeria – many prefer not to) or the off-occasion where the Saudis were able to beat (read: bribe) enough teams within their qualifying group to make it through. The fact is Middle Eastern football teams just aren’t very good. Why do you think Qatar want to host the 2022 World Cup so bad? Not to have the honour of staging the competition but just to be able to finally play in the sacred thing through the automatic slot they receive!

So it goes that each individual, from the young to the old, male and female, pledge allegiance to their favoured-adopted side long before the first tackle has been lunged (going for the ball of course) or Vuvuzela has been annoyingly blown for hours and hours and hours (and hours) on end – did we mention how annoying the Vuvuzela’s ‘sound’ is? The favourites around this part of the world: Germany and Brazil (Italy and Argentina equal third). Now, Brazil being a favourite is understandable and acceptable. Brazil are incredible. They have won more world-cups than any other nation. They play more attractive, innovative and skilfully-impressive football than any other nation on earth, and they have those wonderfully attired Brazilian supporters that camera men love to focus on at every opportunity (it’s the yellow again). It is easy to understand why the likes of UAE nationals, Qataris, Kuwaitis and even those in Yemen with TVs (and the expensive Al Jazeera world-cup package) are prone to cheer for such a team filled with pedigree and talent.

Even supporting Italy and Argentina is equally digestible. Both play exquisite football and have a history of winning (noticing a trend amongst the Middle Eastern choices by any chance? Yep – glory hunters). Both have that extra ummph in their game and their national supporters and icons, stylish and aspiring, are worthy of note (even Berlusconi). BUT Gerrrrrmany....Germany?? Zeee Germans?? Why on earth would any sane individual who was not actual born in Germany, married to a German, employed by a German firm and being forced to watch football in his German boss’s Miele-designed kitchen, want to knowingly and willingly chant, cheer and sing for so dull a team (please note, Sunday’s performance against Australia did not serve to support this already though-out piece...not helpful).

Apart from having won the competition a frustratingly large number of times, always making it to either the semis or even the final, there is no justification as a football-fan-outsider to shout for the Germans. They always, always play the most insipid brand of football out there (again...last night...not helping..oops), always leave you wishing you had not watched the match you just did watch, and apart from some damn good draft beer have very little to offer in way of cultural entertainment – no, the female supporters clad in the national kit do not look that good. Middle Eastern supporters have a choice of any team they would like to pledge allegiance to, and in a rare occasion indeed, it is the competition of a sport where the US is not the most powerful force by any means – so the problem of a knee-jerk reaction to simply vie for whatever team is playing against the ‘great devil’ (even as they munch on their Big Mac after finishing off the last episode of Lost and having just driven home in their Escalade) is out of the way.

So what must the reason be? It can only be the glory-hunter in the Middle Eastern supporter that would cause one to reach so low into the attractive-talent-bag of international football (ask a more fundamentalist-inclined Iranian though and you might get a different, WW2 themed-answer – not nice) The desire to feel a part of the competition for as long as possible may also have something to do with it. You can understand why a young UAE national would like to remain a part of the festivities when Claus is sat beside him in class grinning and basking in the glory of another win on penalties against England (please NOT again) long after Algeria have been kicked out at the group stage - a happy-desert-camper he will not be,

This is certainly expressed in Lebanon’s scintillating Beirut. Strangely for a people and country that normally revels in being compared to either the Italian or French (not to mention having been a French-ruled mandate for over a quarter of a century), Germany is again the team of choice if the prolific display of horizontally striped black, red and yellow flags is anything to go by.

The female supporters there look forward to the endless displays of football almost as much as the ‘males’ (in quotation marks for a reason) – where else can they, in skimpy-attire attributed to a tight-fitting football shirt (‘it shrunk when the maid washed it’), cavort and taunt a captive audience with a guaranteed male dominant percentage for weeks on end, edging closer and closer during the matches to their own idea of a stunning goal?

To ensure success, a team with a historically proven ability to remain in the competition until the later stages is essential. It actually suits both the men and the women, and an unwritten understanding of unflappable support for Germany engulfs once every four years. A few brave souls will give-in to sense and bravely hoist Argentinean or Brazilian flags, but if you are single and looking to have the biggest football-barbeque on the block you already know which powerful European-industrial-nation you are supporting.

So the stage has been set. The adopted teams spoken for and some already victoriously supported. Whichever team you are following, and for whatever reason - yes, you ‘girl-fans’ out there, we’re onto you but we love having (some of) you around regardless, the next few weeks will elicit multiple expressions of emotion, yells of joy and screams of angst - please not England again in penalties.

Only one thing is for sure, you will all be infinitely-more-comfortably-seated on your sofas than myself.

Enjoy.


Hani Kobrossi